I can’t emphasize enough that this has maybe been the most intense week of my life. It’s been consumed with trying to hear the voice of my heart in a sea voices that speak louder and trying to hear from a God whose voice I’ve all but sequestered 99.99999% of the time. It’s caused headaches and tears and anxiety and an eye that won’t stop twitching, and the only thing that I really know at the end of the day is that God is for me and the value of a peaceful heart can’t be overstated.
Regardless of how I positioned it to anyone else, my intentions have been to be open and available to let God do what He wants, and from the slew of books I’ve read about taking risks and stepping out, I figured that he only way that I could really do something that would make God proud would be to take a risk the first time one came along. I still believe that following Jesus is about risking. I believe that it’s about hearing His voice moving your heart and quietly and humbly following where it leads, no matter what the cost. I feel like everything about my life for the last week or so has been stressful and LOUD and about who’s voice is strongest and echoes longest. I’m not sure whose voice ended up being strongest, but I do know that it wasn’t God’s. Decisions should be made when all voices fade in comparison to what the Lord is saying. They should be made when the quiet whisper of a loving God causes everything else to silence, including my brain, which overanalyzes EVERYTHING to a fault.
But, for whatever it’s worth, I woke up this morning feeling happy and proud. I feel like I’ve learned to listen better, which has never really been a strong suit. And mostly, I feel a peace and a weightlessness. God is good, no matter how neurotic and crazy I am at any given moment. I hope He recognizes my neuroticism and craziness as zeal and passion and a desire to unlock the gifts that He’s placed inside of me. Because that’s really what it is. I’m just so anxious to see where I’m going that I want to find a shortcut. Which is super unfortunate, because shortcuts are plentiful, attractive, and easy. One day, maybe even one day soon, the road I’m traveling will turn and I’ll travel in another direction, and it won’t be painful, because each step will follow the next. Sort of comforting, huh?
The photo today is of a photo that was sent to me by Adam's mom in the middle of the frenzy of trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be. In probably a way that it wasn't intended to speak, it reassured me of the person that I am this very moment. It doesn't say, "Be proud of who you will be." or "Be proud of who you could be." ... It says "Be proud of who you are." So instead of fighting to try make myself into a person that I think I'll be good at being, I'm just going to pause and be good at being who I am now. I'm going to be a good fiance, daughter, friend, and coworker, and I'm going to continue to develop the things that I know that I love. I think right now, that's okay. I'm happy and content with learning how to simply BE.
Oh, and a little P.S. (also a mushy P.S.): For talking out everything, believing in me to do anything that I want to do, making calls so that he can answer my uncertainties, and fighting for me above all else, I have the best fiancé ever. I know that in this particular situation, he wanted the road less traveled for me, but he's standing beside me even though I didn't choose it. I have never felt more loved and valued and important than I do today. And I’m marrying him in exactly two months. TWO MONTHS. I’m not lying. It makes me want to pee in my pants a little bit.